Sleepless in Ontario

It is nearly 3 AM in Toronto and I cannot sleep. There are reasons for my insomnia, but you don't wish to know them and I don't wish to share them. Let's just say that sleep will not be coming any time soon.

I would go out for a drive were it not for the fact that my wallet and keys are in another room, and I don't wish to wake the person who is sleeping in it. It's not as if driving late at night will make me sleepy, because it won't, but it would provide a welcome sense of calm. There is something peaceful about driving late at night with songs on the stereo. There is something relaxing about only having to share the roads with police cars, taxi cabs, and semi transports.

I like this time of night. Even when I crave sleep as badly as I crave it now, I like this time of night.

I like the emptiness of roads. I like the way streetlights illuminate their surroundings, casting shadows and creating magical versions of everyday surroundings. I like the sense of loose community that one finds in 24 hour grocery stores and gas stations, as if the various people who have ridden various waves to meet at the check out stands are surprised and delighted by the realization that other people are up at such an ungodly hour.

"Ungodly hour" -- that's a strange phrase. What is it about late night hours that people find ungodly? If God exists, regardless of what one means by "God", surely all hours are part of the divine day. I find nothing ungodly about the wee hours of the night. If anything, the serenity of deserted streets and darkened cities provides an environment in which one can commune with the divine without many of the distractions that arise in daylight hours.

But the late night hours can be lonely. 2:30 is too late for me to call friends or family even back in British Columbia -- contacting people is Ontario is certainly out of the question. Even if I could call someone, what would I say? That I cannot sleep? That I am not tired enough to sleep but am too tired to read a book or do a crossword puzzle? That I sometimes feel as if I will never be able to ever sleep again?

I turned to the drug of the nation, but television provides no relief. I don't have cable, which means there is nothing to anesthetize myself with but crappy infomercials, but then again, if I had cable my choices would still be limited to other infomercials or loops of yesterday's broadcasts. There is no Insomnia Network dedicated to providing quality programming for the temporary zombies who inhabit the early hours. Perhaps it's just as well -- we probably lack the concentration to appreciate quality programming anyways.

I have taken advantage of previous bouts of insomnia to take photographs within my apartment but I do not feel like doing so today. Perhaps it is a lack of discipline that prevents me from seeking out potential shots. Perhaps I am just not in the mood to recognize the shots that can only be taken in the dreamworld of sleeplessness. Perhaps I have taken all the late night photographs that can be taken at this point. Who can tell?

And so I sit alone in an unlit room, typing a rambling, slow-paced, stream-of-consciousness commentary about how I cannot sleep. Sleep is no closer now that it had been when I started to write this post 53 minutes ago.